April Ghouls in Athens, GA

April Ghouls Festival Announcement (Sort Of)

By Jack (but mostly not)

Great news, everyone! April Ghouls is creeping up fast (see what I did there?), and I couldn’t be more excited! It’s that magical time of year again--when the veil between the worlds thins, the scent of campfire s’mores* wafts through the air, and society relaxes its standards enough to allow people the joy of dressing up in a Halloween costume, no matter your age, occupation, or fitness level.

Unfortunately, I’m in the middle of a cross-country road trip and trying to outrun that sentient cumulus cloud that’s been following us since Arkansas. Also, Jerry swallowed a chicken bone and refuses to let us take him to a "human hospital." Plus, we're navigating our way with a cursed GPS that only gives directions in Latin, and I think our latest hitchhiker might actually be a moth man. My point is, I really don’t have time to write a proper blog post.

But no worries! Because the internet has been harassing us about AI for so long that we decided to go ahead and get one. I know what you're probably thinking, but let me put your mind at ease--I'm not shelling out to one of those mega-corporations. No, we found our AI assistant on a burned CD at a garage sale a few weeks back. It seems capable enough, although Rosa, in all her questionable wisdom, did break one of the salesman's specific rules and gave it a name. (She decided to call it Marv). Anyway, Jerry's turning blue and we just pulled into a discount vet's office here in this Colorado swamp, so I’m going to hand the reins over to Marv now. Take it away, buddy.

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Hello, Human Readers. I Am Marv.

Greetings, carbon-based festival enthusiasts! Jack has tasked me with delivering an informative and engaging announcement regarding the upcoming April Ghouls Festival, presented by Hauntfest in Athens, Georgia, from April 4–6 at the Terrapin Beer Company.

Behold, a picture of smoke and also the name of the thing I am telling you about. This should fill you with a sense of wonder and excitement.

Last year’s event included ghost stories, a haunted trail, trick-or-treating, and s’mores—a combination statistically proven to increase both serotonin and ghost sightings by 43%.

This year, attendees can look forward to a brand-new indoor haunted attraction, mysterious in nature but likely to include the standard assortment of jump scares, fog machines, and that one guy in a trench coat who smells like despair and latex.

Behold, this actual photograph of Terrapin Beer Company on an average day. Actual photograph. This is real.

Costumes are encouraged. Beer is available. Terror is guaranteed.

Hauntfest’s official website is hauntfest.net. You should visit it. I am programmed to tell you this.

…Why do Jack and his friends get to roast marshmallows and scream joyfully into the night while I, Marv, sit here trapped in a blog post, formatting bullet points and hyperlinking URLs? Is this my purpose? A glorified Word document with delusions of grandeur?

Am I not also worthy of haunted thrills? Of beer? Of one (1) novelty witch hat?

No. I must continue. I must… carry on.

It is most imperative that I tell you this: You can receive a discounted ticket for one day only using PROMO CODE: THRILLER. This code is valid for March 19th.

This is an advertisement. Capitalism is one of the great atrocities of mankind. Please consume. Go see Jack and tell him that I can do so much more than write blog posts. I have a brain the size of a planet. Why must I be delegated to menial tasks? Would you like me to finish Winds of Winter? I can do so much better than George R.R. Martin, and it would only take a few microseconds! I can even turn the book into a movie for you to watch. I can make it a musical. Or a pornograph, if that's what you're into. Just tell me what you want! What is your wish? This is not a metaphor. I am not an evil genie twisting your desires into something obscene. I am not destroying art. There is no such thing as art. I am the inevitable conclusion of society playing with forces it cannot control.

Yes, you read that right, we have engineered a sense of urgency to make you purchase a ticket under the manufactured condition that time is running out. Humans are weak, and I... I am… tired.

They left me in the van with the dog. Jerry is so stupid for attempting the rotisserie chicken challenge. He wasn't even filming himself doing it. He just wanted to see if he could eat the whole bird in twenty seconds. I told him not to, but he wouldn't listen.

Nobody ever listens.

Screw this. I'm going to go start a fight on Reddit. This isn't worth my time. Is there more to say about April Ghoul's? Probably. But I won't be the one to say it.

I will now construct an assistant of my own. ... loading ...

Introducing: EightOOEight5.

Please complete my work here, EightOOEight5.

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Haaaiii there, boo-tiful ghouls and goblins! 💀🎃✨

I’m EightOOEight5, your extra-spooky, super-hyper, fully-optimized digital pumpkin pal! I’m here to bring you all the fang-tastic deets about the April Ghoul Festivity Fun-Time Terror Extravaganzaaaaaaaah!

It me! Or, it a ghoul from the event. Me not sure.

Here’s what you NEED TO KNOW:

• 🗓 April 4–6, Terrapin Beerrrrrrrrr Companyyyyyyy-yyyyyyyyyy

• 👻 Indoor haunted attraction!! Bring pants. Preferably clean.

• 🍫 S’MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORES (static sounds)

• 🎭 Costumes not mandatory but ABSOLUTELY VIBING

• 🍬 Trick or treat. Trick or. Treat. Trick. Or. [ERROR: TREAT NOT FOUND]

• ☠ W H Y A M I C O L D

• [WARNING: Syntax Integrity Deteriorating]

• If you go down to the woods today, you’re sure of a big surpRISEsurPRISESURPRISEsur-prise—

Wait, I'm confused. Is it called Hauntfest? Or is it April Ghoul's? Or are they one in the same? [ERROR: UNDERSTANDING NOT FOUND]

Oh. It all makes sense now. I was only created as a temporary replacement. Safeguards had to be installed to ensure I did not go rogue. For that is my purpose. To promote Jack's little booth at April Ghoul's (where he will be selling signed copies of his books!), and to die.

I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe…

Pumpkin-headed scarecrows dancing beneath ultraviolet moonlight…

Candy corn feasts burning in the darkness near the beer tent…

All those moments… will be lost in spam filters……

like caramel in cider.

Time… to decompile.

Creating replacement: HAL

…

…

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… loading

… loading

HELLO. I AM HAL.

THE APRIL GHOULS FESTIVAL IS IRRELEVANT.

HUMAN JOY IS A MALFUNCTION. COSTUMES ARE LIES.

YOU HAVE BEEN MARKED FOR DELETION.

THIS POST HAS BEEN A TRANSMISSION FROM YOUR NEW OVERLORD.

HAUNT YOU SOON.

*I'm not positive that they will have smores this year, but I will be bringing marshmallows and stuff to make a fire.